Focus on what keeps you moving forward, this is what I had thought
to myself. I wanted a ray of light come through our darkest of days. We have
been through a lot, something we never would have expected to happen, not in a
million years.
Remembering, even for a moment, hurts deeply. And so I hold
on to what my Jesse wisely put, we honor the ones we lost by living, not in
sadness, not in pain. I miss you so much my baby Jet. Your dad and I, we miss
you everyday. We love you everyday!
Before all this, I always believed that everything that
happens in our life, whatever comes along and whatever comes into play is meant
to be, everything in its place. But with what we’ve experienced, with so much
pain and grief, I don’t know what to think of it. Suddenly, I’m not so sure
anymore.
These days, I keep finding myself wondering how I go on, I
feel lost in time, scared and confused. Between my Jesse and I, I’d say I’m the
more emotional one. And so I find this chapter of our life really difficult.
Each waking hour I try so hard to keep myself busy. It’s a
start, a way to go on in the days to come. Some days are better than others,
but there is this void in my heart and it will always be there I’m afraid. We’ll
both wear this scar for as long as we live.
On days when the sun shines in my soul I look up in the
skies, turn to God. But every now and then, I can’t help but wonder and ask God, why? And on nights when sleep avoids me, I find myself with a book in hand. One that
particularly caught my eye was the book “Ang Buhay na Hindi Bitin” by Ardy Roberto.
It was an interesting read and the book found its way to my
hands in quite the opportune moment. It reminded me how God works in a manner
so unconventional, so precise, so enigmatic, and so divine.
I don’t know why such a terrible thing happened to our young
family. I don’t think the answer will simply fall on my lap no matter how many
times I ask the question. Someday we will understand, but in the meantime, the
message I received through this book was clear.
Believe and trust in whatever plans God has. We may not
understand them now, but it will eventually manifest itself in an unexpected
and grand way. No matter how painful things are now, maybe, just maybe, we are
where we’re supposed to be, everything in its place.
